I've thought about how to write this post for 2 days. My only intention is to use my own obstacles to simply save some steps for someone else. I am careful what I write: I have 2 children, a family, and friends, among many others that I would never want to hurt in any way. So with that, I pray that my experiences will HELP and never HINDER.
Here's a story about CHOICE...yes, again...and this one's THE turning point in my life.
I was married on June 17th, 1989.
My father had died 3 years before...you all know the heartache I shared with you about that most unfortunate choice...
On my wedding day, I missed him. Terribly. There were so many things he would have said. I know He would have, I can almost hear him now...his voice, his strong voice that would send even the most confident into trembles if he roared. I wanted to take his arm down the aisle, but he was not there.
I walked the aisle alone.
It sounds lonely...but it was a simple gesture---no one could take his place...and hence the empty space.
The wedding day was filled with a typical "wedding day" scenario. Food, gifts, friends, family, beautiful gown, magnolias, fresh flowers, taffeta dresses, music, birdseed...
what was I missing?
Oh yes...well, I'll let you ponder on that one...
I had been with my future husband for one year... I don't know what it should have been like because I'd never done it before (the dating process before marriage)...but I don't think it was done the right way. Way too much grief, no plans of the future, a kind of fly by the seat of your pants ride, wreckless, serious anger, more than heated arguements (almost daily), a lot of red flags...
On my wedding day, someone asked me if I was sure I was doing the right thing...
Surely you're not wanting ME to be truthful! I've got 200 guests waiting for me to walk down the aisle, don't you know??? A glowing bride! Radiant! Happy! Confident!...
and then I said:
"No... but it's too late now."
What just came out of my mouth??? or did it come from...my heart.?
I didn't know what to d, so I just proceeded to do the one thing I do best...keep going.
I was married 1 hour later. For better or worse, til death do us part???
I knew it wasn't right, but I could "change him", I could make it work for both of us, I could manage through it, I couldn't fail---me? fail?...what is wrong with this picture?
This is the one time in life when it shouldn't be just "I"...it should've been ..."WE". But it wasn't, it never was...and...well...
For the next 14 years I made an attempt at a marriage. We had some happy times of course, some laughter in the midst of the storm, but the bad FAR outweighed the good. It was a life full of shattered dreams, barely getting by, unspeakable grief, and total sadness. For both of us really...
There were things and situations that I cannot believe ever happened...unspeakable things. A life of abuse, ridicule, loathing, mockery, and even hate. Was this really my life??? Was this the way it was intended? Was this a marriage? What brought us together???
That's the question for the ages!!!!... WHAT brought us together?
One CHOICE...a mountain of Choices... but there was something missing from each and every choice... JESUS.
The relationship was never built...listen girls...B-U-I-L-T...on things like: Trust, Compassion, Support, Empathy, Joy, Standards, Morals, FAITH...LOVE...GOD...GOD'S LOVE...GODLY LOVE.
What I didn't know, or at least care to think about, was that it couldn't ever work until we had these things FIRST.
I had heard all these things...all my life...and KNEW this! But for some reason, at this time in my life, I made a CHOICE to not care...do it "MY" way, I made a CHOICE not to put GOD in my relationship...and I sit in this place today...
Without the dreams I had for my family, without a hand to hold, without a shoulder to lean on, without...just without.
It was a choice.
I just dove in head first. It was all based on immature, childish, unresponsible choices...WITHOUT seeking the WILL OF GOD.
It didn't work.
It couldn't...for WITHOUT HIM. this is not possible...but WITH Him all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26)
My married life was a train wreck. I tried so hard to make it work...But still, it wouldn't, couldn't work...WITHOUT...Him. There was no peace, no contentment, it was truly an empty place.
It------marriage---is a union, a bond, a relationship between 2 people put together by GOD...in order to build a life together based on Godly principles and standards...to pray together, love together, cry together, support one another, hold each other,...love each other.
WIthout God's love, how can we even know what LOVE truly is? We cannot do it on our own.
I've learned many lessons throughout the last 7 years being divorced. I'm one of the lucky ones...I am sitting here writing this as someone who has actually "LEARNED" from mistakes. I've worked incredibly hard to build my life back the way God intended.
He is first in every step I take...he leads the way, I FOLLOW!
I am a leader, but HE is "THE" leader!!!
I have taken all the wrong choices and tried hard to turn them into something positive, I have indeed struggled, but I am proud of what God has put in front of me.
I have learned that with God first, all things are possible...I have learned that true LOVE, only comes from the creator of it.
He teaches us HOW to love...it's a process.
It's a relationship---a daily experience---supprt for one another---patience---kindness---LOVE.
I write this with a heavy heart.
I've left a mountain of things and situations out of this story. The details are not important...it's not about those things. It's about Choices...Godly choices.
Choose your steps carefully, for one wrong step will send you into possibly a lifetime of trying to get back on track.
I am divorced, not what I intended for my life, my future...but God has given me the power of forgiveness. Someone asked me once, how can you give him (my ex-husband) a hug, or even talk to him?..,
I replied: "What good would the alternative do? Satisfy "me"??? For what? The choice was mine. I can't go any further in this life, with harbored hate in my heart...I can't do the things God has planned for me if I can't LOVE like he has taught me."
I forgave my husband...on my knees, before an ALMIGHTY GOD. And when I got up, it was over...forever...never to look back, never to want revenge or satisfaction for the things that he did to me...it was finished.
This is the day my life turned around. Yes, I was "done wrong", I was hurt, I was abused (physically and emotionally),
Who am I----- to not at least give this gift to someone who needs it as much as I do.
I have a peaceful heart. and God is pleased with me.
Chris and I are friends, forever. We have two most beautiful children...we made them, together. We love them with every breath that "WE" take...that is our common bond, forever. We'll never have that picture perfect family...and for this my heart breaks.
But God is working..
not "ON US"...but "THROUGH" ...our choices.
CHOICE---a power that can change your life forever.
I need to add one last thing: Marriages CAN be miraculously healed through the power of our LIVING CHRIST! I do not believe divorce is a cure for unhappiness. Both should seek God's abundant GRACE and forgiveness through salvation and then work on restoring the sanctity that HE intended. Marriage is a SACRED bond. Divorce is rarely a good thing...it hurts ALL people involved. And even worse, it does not please God.
As for me, my regret is one of a family bond broken, lives changed forever, and mostly...breaking the heart of the one who loves me the most...my Jesus.
And for now..., whew!!!!!
These are My Thoughts.